The moment we meet a new partner, we begin the journey of creating something entirely new together — a shared culture that is unique to us as a couple. No two family systems are the same, and when we come from different cultural backgrounds, this process becomes both richer and more complex.
Understanding and being aware of both our differences and similarities is a key part of building this shared emotional space. In Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples (EFT/C), we work with the emotional patterns — or cycles — that play out between partners. These patterns are shaped not just by attachment needs and past experiences, but also by deeply held beliefs and values.
🧭 That’s why one important part of the work in EFT/C is helping each partner understand:
How their own emotional responses are shaped by the culture they were raised in
How their partner's emotional responses make sense within their cultural framework
It’s not just about understanding the other — it’s also about being willing to see ourselves through our partner’s eyes. That’s a powerful shift. It helps us move from frustration to connection.
🧪 A Small Exercise to Try at Home
To support that shift, here’s a short exercise I often offer couples in my practice.
Step 1: Reflect individually
Spend 5 quiet minutes thinking of something that feels culturally “normal” or obvious to you — but which you've realized might not be for others. For example:
How do people express affection in public?
How do people queue — wait calmly, or push forward?
What does “I love you” mean in your culture?
What does “on time” really mean?
Try to pick something you only became aware of when someone else did it differently. Something that surprised you.
Step 2: Share with each other
Take turns telling your story. How did you realize this norm was not shared? How did it feel? What assumptions did it challenge?
Ask each other questions that invite more depth:
“What did you learn as a child about that?”
“How do you feel about it today?”
Step 3: Keep noticing
For the next weeks, continue this awareness. Share those “small surprises” with each other when they come up. Be curious — not critical — about your partner’s experience.
Remember, the purpose is not to compare or judge each other’s background, but to build a new culture that belongs to you both. And in EFT/C, we know that understanding the emotional meaning behind each person’s way of being is the foundation for change.
💬 Want support on your journey?
If you’re in an intercultural relationship and would like a space to explore your shared emotional cycle, I offer Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy in Danish, Swedish, and English. You’re warmly welcome in my clinic in the heart of Copenhagen.
